Saturday, February 14, 2009

take a jumbo cross the water

a very quick email i just composed to my little mousey friend in paris. reunited for noodle-dancing in just eight short days!

okay quick before i forget

okay do you have a way to play music in your house? do you have laptop speakers or something? i am on planning dancing a lot.
did you look in the grocery store for brownie mix? can you? i think 2 things: its weird to bring it in my luggage, and if there is a french equivalent we should use it to be more authentic to the experience.
do you want any more treasures other than peanut butter? i totally forgot to get it when i went shopping so i gotta go back.
do you think my house could be haunted? being that its new? maybe its haunted by bats?
do you have the american/euro plug converter thing? going to be necessary. i have one somewhere....
do you like belle and sebastian?
where have you been? benji said he hadn't heard from you in a while. you busy with school?
oh! i'm going to bring an american foodstravaganza for benji! definitely bringing hostess cupcakes. what else?? oatmeal pies?! yummmm.
i ate taco bell yesterday at the mall.

love you!

proud and defiant, we'll slay the giant

oh, or this:

who needs zoloft when you have newsies??

i'll love you with all the maddness in my soul

well whoops! i sort of forgot about this digging through my old journals thing. but i have come up with a few valentines day posts from throughout the years to appease you! "you"

none of these have much to do with valentine's day but they remind me that i am continuously failing at this time of year. deep breath.

feb 14, 2003 - from lj

note to self:

four hours of sleep is not enough. if you get four hours of sleep, you will fell like shit. you might even start to tingle.
also, you are lazy. whats your problem? taking a shower really doesnt involve that much energy. make sure you take one when you get home from class.
also, make sure you clean your room for the company that is coming late tonite.
also, maybe you can try taking a nap when you come home from school as well. maybe it will make you feel better.
also, never forget your cell phone charger anywhere again. if you do, when you finally get it back you will talk on the phone all nite (to make up for the time you lost??) and only get four hours of sleep.

p.s. do your work. you aren't a bum!

and something a bit more chipper:

feb 14, 2007 - paper journal

v-day. interesting? not much to say, just wanted to prove i still exist. (i do)

all i ever wanted to do was sing.

may you forever be filled with love love love

i'm numb again (literally figuratively and any other way its possible) and sick and taking medicine (!) and feeling defeated in about 1,000 ways. i have a week off but not really off at all because there is a cat to feed meds to and mail to take in and cars to start and tracks to record and shows to attend and outfits to pick and bags to pack and xrays to get and baking to do. i am beginning to wonder how this isolation is going to rear its head in my future. i hope with a smile? i doubt that i even make sense at this point. it appears i see things with a heightened clarity but still can't make up my mind. i think if you take the general idea of this it pretty much sums up me right now. i'm still remembering and remembering and remembering. spend a lot of time with my brain just dancing. i imagine my eyes like rubber balls bouncing around inside my face, finding tiny traces of my life in the hollows of my ears and nose and such. the toys on the carpet at the doctor's office. the charts all lined up behind the counter with the sliding windows. i feel fortunate to be able to find these things. i want to believe, i do believe, that this means something. i have to keep hope that even though everyone is sick and dying and planes are falling out of the sky and i owe money to everyone and people even want me to be sad (!?) that i will be okay that i will come out on the other side of this mental tunnel with all my fucking cylinders blazing. it will probably look something like this:

see ya

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

golden and fair in the sky

can't wait for paris when i debut my new karaoke gem!

you're looking at country

benji told me that there is a chinese restaurant with karaoke on the weekends and no one goes and when you finish singing all the chinese people come to the stage and clap. sounds just about perfect.
kaitlin has also been working on a list of all the foods she wants to eat with me. think about this. this is a good friend. i will be cataloging some recent outfits so she can tell me which ones are the most "french" i need help because me and the frenchies do not really agree on life. i love paris and everything, duh, but i'm pretty sure i am almost opposite of a proper parisian woman. good thing i'm a red blooded yank!

i was just talking to my friend emily about my trip and she said something to the effect of "you'll never want to come home!" and i said "oh yes i will, i love america, europe is beautiful, but america has the most heart" i'm pretty sure that's true. let's look at god's country, shall we?





Sunday, February 8, 2009

a lamentation

last night i wrapped my arms around myself and cried silently for the loss of a father. as tears that almost felt like fire collected around my head i attempted to compose regrets small enough to fit on the card that will accompany the flowers. oh eternal friend, i'm just so sorry.

the ground is visible for the first time in what seems/feels like/and must be months and all i want to do is take a bath made of snow.

Monday, February 2, 2009

don't cross the river if you can't swim the tide

i guess i do have something to say??

i'm going to paaaaaaaaaaaaarissssssss. wee!
i always manage to take vacations at this time of year, which says something about my internal clock (i don't know what, exactly, but it sure says SOMETHING). i only have to work for about seven more days and then i get 3 weeks off! still not sure how i am going to make my money last for that long (why did i buy those fur boots?!) especially with an 8 day trip to paris stuck right at the end of 3 weeks of unemployment, but it is going to have to work because the ticket is purchased and i already have benji looking for a french fling. i told him to think "french lumberjack" which is potentially an oxymoron. all will be revealed in time....

it already feels like a wednesday, at least, but its only monday! how bleak! at least i have sweet sweet hollywood week on idol (starting tomorrow) to look forward to. i suppose now i also have paaaaaaaris to look forward to! what else, what else? what should i do for my twenty-sixth birthday? friday the 13th! i want to wear a veil over my eyes and take peyote or something. does that even sound fun?

i wish i could explain to you the mind-altering experience i had on saturday night/sunday morning, but it doesn't translate well to cyber-paper. but, i can say that all my talk of remembering things, surfaces, names, what-have-you, has really unlocked some memory vault in my brain, i can remember the texture of pillows i slept on at sleepovers at my neighbors house! top that! without the aid of pictures or letters or anything at all! its all pretty incredible and i am still trying to digest the whole idea and experience.

how about a few pictures. maybe these ones will be about textures. textures i may very well remember in some firework-esque explosion in another five,ten,fifteen,twenty years.






wipe your prints and run

more of this until i have the mind to tell you any news worthy news

feb 2, 2008 - from my livejournal

hello! wow what is happening at 2:30 am right now?
i decided not to go out tonight because i had a little too much fun the night before.
thursday night me and stephanie went to karaoke at this creepz place that is free and has wireless mics so you just sit at your table and they bring you the mic and you sit there with your margarita and sing the doobie brothers. HA. we really did sing the doobie brothers. after we were done denise says "never do that one again" 7 margaritas later i find myself having to stop at union pool on the way home to pee. and then of course brook was working and we were chatting about god knows what for probably 30 minutes and i was hiccuping the ENTIRE time. oopz. but the biggest oopz is when i awoke, at 10:15 and thought it was SATURDAYYYYYY. try again you fucking loser you were supposed to be at work 45 minutes ago. christ almighty. so then i put on phil collins and had a grand old time for a good hour and a half before the whimsy struck me to go into work. oh well.

so, in lieu of another night of margs and 1am drunk dials to every boy from a-m in my phonebook, tonight i stayed home with my friend cat (person, not animal) and did measurements for ebay. SO TIME CONSUMING. it really worries me, but i keep pretending (am i pretending?) that i can just make this happen and not actually pay someone $1 to wear a sparkling leopard print sweater. because really i did this by accident. no one ever said that business was easy. anyways, measuring is exhausting and i am so tired. i didn't even get to the shoes or bags. vintage suede platform snow boots fur lace up lumberjack 70s boho. (whats sick is i know that description is too long to fit on ebay)

on top of all the rest, i somehow became addicted to phil collins' face value album. how does this happen to any self respecting human being? the truth is, i know this album has things going for it, logistically, or whatever. but, the point remains, this is the same man that did the tarzan soundtrack and that god awful two hearts video. so, jury's still out on that one, and until they return, i will keep that record playing.

thank you and goodnight.

1)three days ago i downloaded face value on my laptop. coincidence? maybe february is phil collins month and i didn't even realize? either way, this album still rules.
2)i am such an ebay slack right now. the winter is a hard time to play ebay. i am going to come back with a vengeance. but i'm not sure i ever really improved from when i wrote this post 1 year ago.
3)i totally got banned from that karaoke spot. i had my birthday there and it turned into a disaster that involved me pushing everything on every table onto the floor. oops! i'm still pretty sad i can never go back there. at least i don't live in the neighborhood anymore.
4)its the same and its entirely different.