Saturday, February 14, 2009

i'll love you with all the maddness in my soul

well whoops! i sort of forgot about this digging through my old journals thing. but i have come up with a few valentines day posts from throughout the years to appease you! "you"

none of these have much to do with valentine's day but they remind me that i am continuously failing at this time of year. deep breath.

feb 14, 2003 - from lj

note to self:

four hours of sleep is not enough. if you get four hours of sleep, you will fell like shit. you might even start to tingle.
also, you are lazy. whats your problem? taking a shower really doesnt involve that much energy. make sure you take one when you get home from class.
also, make sure you clean your room for the company that is coming late tonite.
also, maybe you can try taking a nap when you come home from school as well. maybe it will make you feel better.
also, never forget your cell phone charger anywhere again. if you do, when you finally get it back you will talk on the phone all nite (to make up for the time you lost??) and only get four hours of sleep.

p.s. do your work. you aren't a bum!

and something a bit more chipper:

feb 14, 2007 - paper journal

v-day. interesting? not much to say, just wanted to prove i still exist. (i do)

all i ever wanted to do was sing.

may you forever be filled with love love love

i'm numb again (literally figuratively and any other way its possible) and sick and taking medicine (!) and feeling defeated in about 1,000 ways. i have a week off but not really off at all because there is a cat to feed meds to and mail to take in and cars to start and tracks to record and shows to attend and outfits to pick and bags to pack and xrays to get and baking to do. i am beginning to wonder how this isolation is going to rear its head in my future. i hope with a smile? i doubt that i even make sense at this point. it appears i see things with a heightened clarity but still can't make up my mind. i think if you take the general idea of this it pretty much sums up me right now. i'm still remembering and remembering and remembering. spend a lot of time with my brain just dancing. i imagine my eyes like rubber balls bouncing around inside my face, finding tiny traces of my life in the hollows of my ears and nose and such. the toys on the carpet at the doctor's office. the charts all lined up behind the counter with the sliding windows. i feel fortunate to be able to find these things. i want to believe, i do believe, that this means something. i have to keep hope that even though everyone is sick and dying and planes are falling out of the sky and i owe money to everyone and people even want me to be sad (!?) that i will be okay that i will come out on the other side of this mental tunnel with all my fucking cylinders blazing. it will probably look something like this:

see ya

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