Sunday, January 18, 2009

i've been telling lines i never knew

i've been doing a lot of thinking about new york lately. the reasons i left, the reasons i may return, the reasons to go somewhere else entirely and begin to build a small(BIG) life from the bottom up. i'm sure uncertainty is normal, especially at this age, but, to be honest, i can't really imagine every figuring it out without a push or some hurried rash decision making.

when i left, i had a very clear head and very strong reasoning. now....well now i just don't know what i have or want at all. the idea of life as a traveling vagabond sounds very appealing to me. staying places long enough to soak up everything good, and leaving before the bad has time to settle in my bones. i never want it to feel like work, and i never want it to lose its shiny appeal. good luck peach!

returning to new york is daunting for so many reasons. when you stand up and make a stand for or against something, you are certainly marked by this decision, whether it is actually visible or not. this is just one reason. but on the other hand, new york is hard, and not very many people actually "get" it. i'm fairly certain that i am good at new york; that i fully comprehend the way things work and fit snug in my space inside the electric machine of constant motion.

i'm sure life isn't such a big deal, and this will probably be revealed in pieces throughout the coming years. but for now, i am twenty-five, and these things seem heavy and important. i stood on my box and left my home, with defiance! with purpose! with clarity! i rolled on lightning wheels, i was ageless and infinite. now i am silent and still in this place white and full of branches. i just breathe in and out and hope the whole thing isn't in vain. please lord, let it not be in vain.

2 comments:

The God of Rock said...

I heart the last paragraph in this post. The twenties have definitely been a time of certainty changing to uncertainty and back again at the drop of a hat. But seriously, if you could know EXACTLY where you were going to end up, and when, would you want to?

kaitlin said...

man, that last paragraph really was a roaring finale.