Monday, September 8, 2008

wash away my troubles, wash away my pain

its 5 am and i am restless. currently in stephanie's bed in fort greene and i dont know what it is about this bed that i just cannot sleep. i think it might just be me. the alarm is set for 9:45 and i hope i can manage. my allergies are insanely terrible and i have a terribly troubled mind to boot.

back in new york for the first time in over five months. on the train down i assured myself that this would be very routine and that it was not a big deal what-so-ever. i did a pretty good job of keeping that mindset until friday. i don't know what it was about friday. but suddenly everything i ever felt i knew about myself just fell right off. to be a person who felt so without an identity, i never knew it was possible. in the car i felt so good, so in touch with myself and everything and was able to put the two things together. but now, here, i feel so alone and alien. i feel like a stranger in my own land, and an imposter among my friends. i basically want/wanted to cry the entire time and did so frequently. a few times i thought of leaving for penn station and getting the next train up the hudson. how did i become this person? christ it is so noisy in this house.

a new york life is everything you might think it would be. it is noisy, chaotic, bustling, bursting, distracting, draining, thrilling, exhausting, emotional, selfish, foolish, expensive, phony, and mostly fluffy. this place winds you - not to the point of breaking - but nearly there. when i first left i was literally IN PAIN for almost two weeks. it was like retraining my mind to think in an entirely different way. this was not the hard part - but i didn't know that then. the hard part, my friends, is training your mind back to new york, if you even want to. how trite! i never knew! when you are here and here and here for so long it just absorbs you. i never knew i fell out. but i fell out! now it just seems small and stupid and HUGE and IMPOSSIBLE and do i want to do this to myself again??

the money is one thing. one thing i cannot even believe is true. where would i live? these are the practical questions, you see. impractical/emotional: i feel like i have to avoid people and places. fuck you naomi. FUCK YOU. (i'm leaving that for now), i feel like i cannot even tell my very own friends about my own problems/fears/cryingcrying because i believe they will tell someone something i do not want that someone to know about me. i was never this person before! who am i becoming? stephanie said i was turning into a suburbanite. ouch stephanie. mostly i said that think about olivia's bra because she always complains about being big and i didn't think she would want to show her undergarments! not because i am some weird suburban person who doesnt understand making a stupid fashion statement! whatever. the real point/problem is: WHAT DO I WANT? sorry if everyone is just too wrapped up in their own lives to care or whatever. and thanks to corinne and rafael and felicia for being actually nice people. and also to kaitlin for just being there when it is appropriate and being able to watch me cry. you are mainly a saint and i will probably lose you too.

sometimes it is good that mostly no one reads your blog, and sometimes it is nice to think that maybe -just maybe-they might read it this time.

to know what life is like on the outside taints the perfect image of this beautiful youth utopia that once existed. and the thought of paying $1600 to live in fucking ridgewood for christs sake is unbelievable. i could build my own hanafoods for that price and maybe even stock it with cute boys! who am i kidding. isolation = slow death. hand me an alternative on a silver platter! i demand it!

1 comment:

Robin said...

I'm reading bianca and I'm totally with you...

xo
Robin