Friday, August 29, 2008

the feelings gone and i just can't get it back

wow it has been far too long my fine fine invisible friends.
i am home and tomorrow it will be two weeks. 14 long and short days of who knows what.
for a while my head was filled with water and fluff and it seemed like my whole trip had turned to smoke and poofed out of my ears as soon as i pulled into this driveway. the other night i awoke in the middle of the night and started crying out of pride. has that ever happened to you? it finally fell on me like the entire weight of my car or all those stupid clothes i bought. bam bam you did something very important do you remember? can you remember? i am trying to remember.

so now, i will do my very best (scouts honor and things like that) to recount my steps for some sort of catharsis. does this make sense? i will listen to jim croce and van morrison and maybe even jackson browne and i will write out things that my brain has hopefully only buried and not actually spit out.

there are many things i want to do. but unfortunately i dont have any strong feelings pulling me more in one direction than another. i have a feeling this life i am leading currently will seem boring, but the problem is, i do not know when, and can not anticipate it happening any time soon. this scares me! do i want to live in a house that overlooks my dad's house forever? christ no. and i wont. i know i will not. but i have no plan. for the first time in my life i have no plan. this also scares me. i can only hope, that from this experience of almost near hermitism i will gain a much stronger sense of self, and some bit of comfort in and with being alone.

there is a lot more to say but nothing else is clear to me now.
i will try to be frequent and accountable.
thank you.

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