just let your feelings roll on by

what a strange series of days i have had.
for two nights i slept in the basement at my dad's house where there was heat and limited lighting while the generator was running, plus the toilet would flush over there. read by candlelight until i couldn't keep my face up any longer and would blow out six candles and fall asleep in the smoky dark. i had the craziest dreams two nights in a row which would come back to me in waves while driving in the car. ate dinner/lunch/whatever you call an early dinner at panera two nights in a row. tonight, while choosing my table, i was wearing a black hat with a large mesh bow/feather deal on the side, i ordered my food and a guy sitting next to me said he was leaving his spot soon and i could take his, and here is this article i just tore out about hats, i noticed your vintage hat because i used to sell vintage clothes. so then a man that was about to leave panera bread ends up talking with me for almost 2 hours about vintage and radio and many other interests we shared. turns out he is steve, of the famed steve's clothing! what a funny venue for meeting such a cool guy! we traded info and i think he might even listen to me on the radio this week. ha!

power is back now. i am pleased as punch about this development. i am back in my small house and wasting time, as per usual. i am now re-reading catcher in the rye so expect a spike in my usage of "goddamn" "boy" and "crumby." i finished angela's ashes over the weekend, and septembers in shiraz the weekend before that. i am drinking books and what good is country solitude without drinking books anyway?

i suppose it is time for bed and books and i might just light some candles for old time's sake.

another train rolling away

last night as i was trying to get to sleep i started thinking about best friends. i don't exactly know what sparked the first thought, but before i knew it i was trying to recall every best friend i've ever had. the first best friend i remember having is kelli james. when i was four we moved to delmar and she lived across the street from us. she was 5. we hung out all the time. it was easy to travel between our houses and we would explore in the woods a lot. she introduced me to hbo and killer clowns from outer space. we had different toys so that made it even more fun. her basement was a really great place to play. older brother: shaun. dog: shih tzu, cuddles (and later there was bichon frise, reggie). kelli was definitely my BEST friend probably until 1991 or 1992 and we were very close until probably 1993 or 1994, when she went into 6th grade at the middle school and i was still in elementary school. she suddenly started wearing eyeliner and i didn't yet understand things like that. we eventually drifted completely apart and held completely different social circles by the time we were in high school. i haven't seen her in probably almost ten years, but i have heard that she has a son. i would like to meet him one day.

meanwhile there was erica pippert, and mandy darlington. Mandy was my best friend in 1st grade. We were in the same class and the same advanced reading group plus we had the same green dress with white polka dots. She lived sort of near me and had a fun old house. My dad called her darling mandton. Older brother: kris. Dog: basset hound named molly (Christ how am I remembering this!) Erica was best friend in grades 2+3 (1991-1993?) she went to my elementary school but didn't live that close to me. i spent a lot of time at her house where we would watch music videos and play in her backyard. she had a german shepherd named ming and a siamese cat with a similar name. younger brother: brendan. she moved to a different school so we stopped being friends.

5th grade: blaire banagan: we were in 5th grade together. i envied her wardrobe so much and shopped at gap kids for far too long solely because of her. older sister and younger brother, kelly and ryan. ate a lot of dinners at her house where the family would divide by 5 one small dinner salad. she became a prep and i became...who knows. she lives in new york now but i haven't seen her since we graduated high school.

6th grade: lindsey strogatz. we were nerdy and slow to develop together. we had younger brothers that were the same age. her family was nice. i don't really remember what we did together but i know we hung out a lot. i still have a bit of guilt about this friendship because we got along very well but i ditched her in 7th grade when i got cooler. sorry lindsey! You are probably doing something really cool and smart now and I practically live with my parents!

7th grade: Pam Coggins. Oh pam. Pam was a good friend. I loved nirvana and she loved pearl jam. We lived close to each other and spent lots of time in each others houses listening to music, eating snacks and reading rolling stone. Older sister: Kristen. WHAT A BITCH. Kristen and I hated each other. She was mean to me and I cursed her existence. Cats: many and I can’t remember names. Pam and I stopped being friends very abruptly towards the beginning of 8th grade when she became best friends with Caitlin Gertz (someone I was almost best friends with in 1st grade) and then I laminated a picture of the spice girls to the front of her locker in response (at the time this was a MEGA insult – trust me) not sure what pam is up to these days.

8th grade: who knows!

9th grade – 12th grade: sammi cathers. Sammi is someone I’ve known and been friends with since 1st grade, but high school is when we were definitely BEST friends. The similarities were there: children of divorced parents, We pretty much spent every moment outside of school (and probably in school as well) either together or on the phone with each other. We went to shows, went to the mall, had crushes, kissed boys, smoked weed, watched full house, dyed our hair, had internet friends, etc etc. younger sister: Alison. Cats: oreo, and two others, one of which was a hermaphrodite. Yikes! What tore us apart? The immediate answer to that is boys. We both had serious boyfriends at the same time (towards the end of senior year) and this really drove a rift between us. But ultimately, we probably would have drifted anyway. I went off to school in the city and sammi stayed in Albany. We didn’t talk for the first year after high school but started casually conversing here and there eventually. Now we talk here and there. She lives in Albany with her boyfriend shane who she’s been with for the past 5 years.

2001-2006: jeff harrigfeld. Oh jeff. What can I say about this one? Is the one mysterious friendship of my life. Jeff and I met at valentines while I was in high school (I think I was 16). He worked at mcdonalds with my friend ariele and she introduced us. He went to suny Albany. We stayed close all through high school and became really close right after I graduated. We stayed best friends all through my college career. He was my true adventure friend. Time with us was always fun. He just had the best way of having fun and making things fun and not letting you worry. I hope I brought half the stuff to his life that he brought to mine. Younger sister: Jessica. Dog: gertie. Jeff mysteriously stopped speaking with me in mid 2006. Still a mystery. A little bird told me he moved to Chicago recently with his girlfriend (who has been described to me as his soulmate) I wish him only the best and know very well that our paths will cross again (even if I have to force it – ha)

2002-2008: Naomi hanson. Naomi and I met through a mutual friend, andrea. We sort of clicked right away and started hanging out all the time. We kind of went to the same school and had the same college fun times schedule: good times, good drinks, good food, and talking smack. Never have I had a better travel friend. There is something there that just works. We went on many trips together including a grand tour of Europe in the winter of 2003, Amsterdam twice, mexico city, and half of the usa on a whirwind this summer. Older sister: Emily. Cats: sausalita and beezus (rip). I don’t know how to talk about the demise of our best-friendship without sounding like I have some other agenda other than writing a stupid blog about best friends, so I just won’t. Naomi currently lives in new york and we have a light chat on occasion.


So there you have it! My history in best friends! What a wild ride! I feel bad not including some very close friends who maybe I don’t remember being “best” friends but maybe they were? I need to just type their names. What if they google themselves? I hope they don’t.
Caitlin gertz, adele godfrey-certner, Jessie Goldberg-pohl, kate Oakley, Stephanie Sherman, Kristen cady-sawyer, alysan brod, meg allen, Jessica Blackwell, Emily silver, alex itov, hilary johnson, kristen ruggeri, anne barrett, erica brunner, kaitlin freewind, stephanie porto.

Phew! Best friends are a funny occurrence. I think a lot of it is circumstantial, and then some of it is actually based on fact. Sammi and I were friends first out of convenience. We lived really close to each other and both liked watching full house. But then we inevitably assumed the same territory and had fun doing things together. It falls into the nature vs. nurture argument, I suppose. Because you will no doubt adopt practices and likes of people you are around. Its osmosis and it happens to everyone. There are always glimmers of what makes you like someone in the first place, over everyone else you could pick to be your friend. Its something I haven’t really thought about enough but I do know after writing this that “best friend” is a term that I will no longer use lightly. It takes a lot out of both of the “Best friends” to be that to the other person. What is a best friend? What are best friends? I’m going to look up the definition of best friends, and in the meantime, leave your definition (or an anecdote about besties) below.

its late in the evening and the music's seeping through

all of the thanksgiving food is either eaten or in the trash. why can't there be a thanksgiving every month? i would like to give myself and my company this year a thanksgiving award. i am going to try a new recipe every week. doesn't that sound nice? there can't be anything wrong with teaching yourself to cook. now if i could only call that man in schenectady about those two-step lessons...

i am trying hard to stay on track. now you may ask, you have a track? i will not take offense if you ask this. i would ask too. i don't exactly have a "track" but i compiled a list of things i would like to take care of, and i am trying to stay focused on this list.

i have been neglecting my trip pictures for a month or so now, so i am going to attempt doing one roll per night. this is aiming very high. i know.

what should i do for new years? i would love to not think about this, but its coming on so quickly! i thought about going to montreal but what kind of patriot would i be if i rang in 2009 in canada? new york new york new york, you are a constant source of sadness for me. you will not win. mark my words, you whitewashed culture ghost. i am angry at you right now, new york. do you hear me? what fun would life be without a little internal struggle, hm? i think i might also be mad at the internet. do you think this is true?

my sadness comes and goes on the surface. i'm sure its pretty consistent once you really get in there, but i, like most, try not to go in there very much. what should i do? can i get a sign from above? can i get an amen for uncertainty?

all i know is i am getting back in that car come spring. i better pay off that damn debt, and quick. because all this sitting around is bad for my bones. there is travel and wonder and wanderlust that i don't want to quell. paris in march, and the great usa in may. this time completely alone. i could build a new life if i wanted to, couldn't i? why am i so afraid?

too long. toooooo lonnnngggg.
try this!

let's take that road before us and sing a chorus or two

elf is on! oh joy of all joys! i love christmas movies!

i am so tired it is unbelievable. its snowing outside and i have a 9am appointment at the service center for a tire check and an oil change. then radio then ebay.

thanksgiving was so incredible and so delicious! everything got made and everything was so yummy!









friday we went rollerskating, which everyone loved, and then we came home and started the giant fire and sat around playing the famous people name game and drinking hot buttered rum.









saturday kait and kara left in the morning and sterph and i voyaged to troy to look at antiques and eat sammys. then we went to the mall, which was my idea but i'm not sure why. then we went to see a movie at the madison.

stephanie left this afternoon and now i am here and my brain is mush. i wanted to take a shower but i don't even have the energy for that.
christmas trees are on the tops of cars and twinkling through windows more and more. i wonder if i should get my very own! my december is still a question mark as is every month that follows. when will it change? one day i'm sure...

til next time,
b

i'm gonna go where the lights are bright

howdy!
thanksgiving rapidly approaches and tonight i made my first batch of butter for hot buttered rum. life is moving along for me somewhat like a lawnmower driven by an elderly person.

still working on the epic blog/essay which will come soon....

in other news:
-tomorrow i will be on the radio for the second time. i am going to do much better this week!
-they told me i could program an hour of my own music if i wanted (to be aired one time). only problem is, i have so much music and its sort of all over the place. i want to have a small string to connect everything and make it easier for talking points. here are the themes floating in me head:
traditional country/bluegrass/folk
train songs (i love train songs)
songs about traveling by car/road trips/moving in car
bubblegum pop
current favorites
alltime favorites (this will be nearly impossible)
highschool throwbacks
misogyny mix (something i am working on for kaitlin that involves extremely sexist songs from the 50's and 60's, and i suspect this is a bit too bold for my first go)
california dreaming (late 60's - early 70's california folk-rock)
seasonal selection (this would be based on whatever season the show would air, nothing too hokey or obvious)

okay end themes. what else? i am trying to be an inspiring dresser these days and its going just okay. i'm still on a separates search and i don't really have a nice pair of jeans at the moment. everything is a bit mom, and not in a good way - promise you that. i've been trying to get to the shoe repair place for a week now AND i'm overdue for an oil change in my car PLUS i need snow tires! errands are annoying and difficult to complete no matter where you live or what they entail.

pictures to finish things off and make things look more well rounded (the theme here is houston, texas):







til next time...

no direction on that same old wind could give me passage through

dylan found erica!
she was being held in mexico on the beach in some lavish house with her mom and step dad.
valerie totally came through in the clutch and they not only got erica but they recaptured dylan's money too!
this episode is one of my favorites because it starts with dylan and brandon in a sweat lodge in the california desert. christ i would watch that for two hours straight. kelly is well on her way to being in a cult and the peach pit after dark is up and swinging! auhndrea and jesse are seeming doing well, probably because she finally told the laundromat dude that she was married and he quit bartending. donna and ray are hot and heavy still. when will he hit her? time is ticking!


new ep of top chef tonight, tomorrow equals raking leaves and tday shopping for non-perishables. wee cooking! tonight i made some roasted sweeties but i added mini purple potatoes and heavily seasoned the whole lot. i ate the whole thing!

bonfire pile is looking good. every day i move a little further down the beach in either direction and look for GIANT logs. its pretty funny. i hope no one is watching me. i keep feeling like people are watching me! i stopped parking my car in the garage because i dont like walking across the lawn in the dark alone. should i buy mace?

i'm working on an epic blog now. maybe you'll see it tomorrow. i'm also working on a "best of 2008" albums list. this is especially tricky considering i own one album released this year. help? please?
love yas!

only in the echoes of my mind

a few snaps from today when the light was like a message from heaven:













today was slow moving and strange. last night someone from the nearby job corps (i guess this is like a place where people on their last leg go to learn a trade so they can live a "normal" life) who i guess decided to leave the program somehow found my house and was banging on my door asking to come in and actually trying to open my door. it was probably the most scared i have ever been in my life. i was paralyzed with fear! my knees were actually knocking, no joke. anyways, i called 911, and the person eventually went away. the cops came and canvased the area. job corps said the awol person was a 20 year old white male wearing a red t-shirt who was drunk. yuck! i didn't see him and i equate this to the time we had a rat in our apartment but i never acutally SAW it, but knew it was there because we could hear it every night. had i seen this person i think i would have DIED from fear. i didn't think i would be so scared! the part that makes it maybe more scary is that my dad told me about these people from job corps and made it into this scary thing, and then it actually happened! ugh! i keep hearing his scary panicked loud mean voice saying "let me in, open the door, if you open the door you'll see i'm only a kid!" oh christ.

anyways, i had a hard time falling asleep. the mean voice kept playing in my head. just knowing he could be right on the other side of a thin door. i slept until maybe noon, my dad was already here putting blinds in every window. i hope this doesn't stick. i am going to try my best not to be scared. living in fear is horrible. i tried out a new outfit and took it for a spin at the grocery store where thanksgiving is in full swing! managed to spend 90 dollars (life is expensive!), came back and took a few snaps of the glory light, made myself a dinner. made myself a snack. another snack. snack. more snacks. tea. water. i just keep feeling like people are watching me! and not in the funny-brooklyn-nosey-peeper sort of way, this is more like a scary-woods dweller-i could kill you-watch out type of thing.

okay enough of this. i'm fine. i'll be fine.
tomorrow is a new (and cold!) day.
love love,
BB