though i never knew you at all

i shouldn't have to twist my arms to do this. things should flow, things should be coming to me. not sure where i've gone and NO IDEA where i am going. sob sob totally normal late-twenties middle class baby coming to terms with the actual real world notatallcrisis.

i'm buried under stress and other people are straight buried. in the earth, in the earth ground vials who knows where people go. people kiss dead people. did you know that? i remember when my grandma was in that casket and my aunt bending over and kissing her on the forehead. i wish i could kiss my grandma on the forehead now. i finally understand kissing the forehead of a dead person.

you know when you shuffle cards and then push them back in line? i'm trying to push myself back in line. i maybe need to come to terms with realizing that this may not happen for some time. its a force it vs. go with the flow situation and i feel(hear) the ticking of the clock (i'm lying here the room's pitch dark).

i'm going now. you should all know that i am okay. that if i need your help i will ask for your help. i do miss myself. i miss my real self and i feel lost. i feel lost but i haven't lost faith that i will be found.