i'll give you all i have, and a little more

there comes a time, after you've read and reread all the things you've written in the past year, that you are stricken with action! motivation! drive! vigor! (but please don't hold me 100% accountable for what follows, i'm rusty - rusted, and already anxiety stricken about all the strangers who will never see this) since you last heard from me, well, let's be honest, things happened. mainly being that i went from vermont to new hampshire to maine to new brunswick to nova scotia and then made a loop and came back down. nova scotia is made of wood, scallops and magic and held together with the fucking nicest human beings i've ever come across. the light is straight from the heavenly mouth of god, and i have 20 some-odd rolls of film chilling in my fridge waiting for me to make a new resume, get another job, and hurry up with reliving the past already. of course i'll show you. of course i will! and so, my not-so-secret love affair with car travel continues. where will next summer find me? somehow i think i am due for a west coast but then you know there is that place called the desert where you can cook almost anything out of you, then i keep thinking about key west and all the time there is this haze over my life saying MEXICOOOOOOO. time time time time time time. the funniest thing about life is that i keep having to say "life is weird" and never get to feeling mad about it. and now we've reached the section where i run out of steam and sputter out. so as to go out strong:

its me i'm dynamite and i don't know why

hello from montpelier vermont!

i arrived here yesterday, so i guess today is technically day 2 of my 4th major road jaunt. i'm tired now because i've been sunning and swimming for 2 days straight, but i am going to try to remember some of the plethora of lovely thoughts i've been having.


yesterday i left albany around 1, and headed north on the.....northway to bolton landing on lake george. i went to summer camp on the lake for nearly 10 years, so its a place filled to the brim with only excellent memories, and somehow i just can't have a bad time there even if i eat bad pizza or swallow too much lake water or get a sunburn or whatever. anyways, i arrived at the sagamore, which is this fancy old hotel in bolton, but the secret is, they have a great dock and swimming area and you can kinda just walk in? at least, they've never said anything to me, but you know, i do have this face working for me. wink wink. so i sunned and it was HOT, so much so that brisk lake george was kinda warm? i mean not WARM, but warm for lg at least. and it was perfect as per usual. so i layed in my deck chair and looked out over that clear lake and those perfect green carpet mountains and thought about my youth and what a nice life i have and i cried a few times and then i'd swim and flip around like a fish and then i'd sun again. i changed in the bathroom and snapped a picture of my peach face and then ate a slice of shitty pizza in downtown bolton where i made nice conversation with the pizza chef and scored a free refill on my diet pop.

buckled up and headed north on 9 following the lake, snaking around, taking so many pictures, running into the shoulder, stopping to look for moose, and really my arms were out the windows more than they were on the wheel and i was maybe possibly yelping because dont you know that this is my heaven? this is my meditation. this is my therapy. whatever else you want to say, whatever catharsis or revelation or whoever you pray to, this is mine. so i just feel good, and you should know i feel good. i wanted to drive my car off a cliff into that lake into those mountains, but only with joy? you know? throw myself onto those carpet mountains, cover the whole earth. buy all the buildings and live in all of them at once. and everything is for sale and everything is closed and i still love america and i still love you too.

so 9 snakes the lake and you get these glimpses of water through trees and old 50s lake camps and the mountains break and there are grey rocks and you just love everything and then lady gaga plays incessantly and you probably cry a few times because everything is happening at once. so after you pass through the historic town of ticonderoga you continue on 9, which becomes 22, and when you reach the town of crown point the bridge will be closed so you'll have to take a ferry across this river into vermont and it will be a surprise and you will be so happy to be on a car on a boat. then you deboard and you will be on 17 and you will be in the state of VERMONT and it will smell like cows immediately and you won't even care because you like cows anyways. you'll drive through tiny towns with names like addison, charlotte and shelburne, and they'll have quaint victorian-esque downtowns and you'll see so many white church spires reaching into that blue blue sky. when you reach burlington and catch a few glimpses of lake champlain you'll be so happy and so ready to get on the highway and shut the windows and drive FAST. and after 30 minutes of driving south on i-89 you'll be in the capital of vermont and there will be a sign that says 'bienvenue' and there will be radio stations in french and there will be a state building with a GOLD dome that is just shining shining shining for you!

downtown montpelier is so sweet and old fashioned and there are cute shops and things to eat and you can eat salad and it will have local cheese on it because you're in vermont and things are about cheese and maple syrup and everything here is SO GREEN. its like a bath for your eyes.


today we drove north in the convertible and found a swimming hole and swam in it and there is nothing at all bad about being alive. i want to hug everyone, even the townies who are clearly on methamphetamine.

so here are pictures and know that tomorrow i will be on a boat on a lake and monday i will go to new hampshire because everyone should live free and if you can't i'll take your share.


love is pouring out of me all the time every second, let it run all over me.

keep your heart open and your eyes shut tight

hello!

this quite overdue post comes to you from the green hinterlands of albany, ny. its so alive here and everything just seems the best its ever been.

J4 weekend was at the top of the tops, as per usual. i'm hard pressed to think of another holiday that has never let me down the way J4 has. anyways, we red-white-and-blue'd for essentially 4 days straight, which led to such little sleeps that i am still recovering. not mad about it.

this five albany days has not been enough, and its times like this i wish i could pull a multiplicity move. imagine swimming in lake george, sunning in rockaway, and dancing on a roof at the same time!

i think i might be too braindead still to make any of this sound remotely intelligent, or, at the very least, entertaining, so i think i'll just picture you all and be done with the whole mess for a while (the way its been going, you'll hear from me in august). in 2 weeks i'm off to nova scotia with just myself for company (its good i'm such good company), and i've yet to plan any piece of this mini-major jaunt. i ain't worried though because it always works out somehow. i keep thinking about all those places with names you just want to say outloud like pensacola, saginaw, indianapolis, lake winnipesaukee, even nova scotia. NOVA SCOTIA. even though they're just words, somehow they make it feel like its all really happening. at the end of the day, i guess it really is all happening.

glad to happen with you,
bb

christ you know it ain't easy

i could talk about things being a drag or i could talk about things being great. every coin has two sides, and some such other philosophy truth drivel.

listen, tomorrow i have JURY DUTY.
i basically flew to albany today on the wings of one, loretta-louise (you're a fucking champion) and now there are crickets and blackness and little snotty kids riding dirt bikes and other shit that reminds us all that sometimes you flip a heads and sometimes you come up with tails. and with that cue my computers brain immediately turned on the blossom theme song*. thanks!

anyways, back to bidness: JURY DUTY. i decided tonight i am going to write a book about my dating life (or lack thereof) called JURY DUTY. thoughts? is this thing on?

i've been listening to ke$ha** for like 24 hours straight and, much like the rest of my life, its become a joke that only i understand.

in continuation with this theme, i am going to dress in themed outfits for each day i have to go to JURY DUTY. tomorrow i decided to go with some version of an outfit that would be worn in the 1965 film 'beach blanket bingo' peg leg skinnies, a boaty solid colored top, but the real piece de resistance will be my hairstyle. you see, faithful readers, at a recent trip to my stylist, i, on a whim, acquired some bangs. bangs! me! can you imagine!*** so the HAIR for tomorrow will be STUPID. oh, but as if i've thrown a quarter in the air and its coming down tails side up, I FORGOT TO BRING ANY CLOTHES OTHER THAN DIRTY LAUNDRY. because i am an adult, didn't you know? so i have to make this dainty sprite gem outfit out of towels and underwear. orrrrr i could raid my high school closet. you will find out in due time which one of these fates prevails.

so only time and towels will tell where your fearless heroine will go next in her life. straight into the jaws of rich children, i'm sure. golden teeth will be my sad, but glamorous, end.

until next time...


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its no sin, trade it in

man oh man, christ, i sure fell off this game, ay?
i am sorry


so, here i am. sitting home at 1am saturday night mildly drunk and more mildly stoned and listening to the little river band. sure are a lot of things i could muse about that statement, but i'll let it lie.

i thought i could do this and have something to say here but i was stricken by mind-numbing anxiety and can not continue.

let me post a few snaps and ruminate for a while about how i can write here on a more regular basis. considering i just tried to write the word "baby" for "basis," i'd say there's a lot more to this issue than meets the eye.













so, see, i'm alive and i'm kinda doing things and school will be over soon and then i just have to take my exam and then life will be better. life will be better. life will be better. life will be better. i wish for the same thing every time i puff my eyelashes off my fingertips out into that world, and clearly one of these days that wish is going to have to manifest. there's just no other option.

and ain't that sweet eyed blindness good to me

forgot allllll about this one





off to eat lunch with my mom and dad and celebrate my superior test taking skills.

let's all try to whistle while we work until everything turns green and balmy.
xx.

ain't about how fast i get there

hello folks.
i am writing because today i have been twenty-eight for one month.

i wish i had more to report on. i have plenty to say, i'm sure, but my brain is just scrambled. so many things are going on and so many things are not going on, know what i mean?

i hug you guys and please hug me.
xx

though i never knew you at all

i shouldn't have to twist my arms to do this. things should flow, things should be coming to me. not sure where i've gone and NO IDEA where i am going. sob sob totally normal late-twenties middle class baby coming to terms with the actual real world notatallcrisis.

i'm buried under stress and other people are straight buried. in the earth, in the earth ground vials who knows where people go. people kiss dead people. did you know that? i remember when my grandma was in that casket and my aunt bending over and kissing her on the forehead. i wish i could kiss my grandma on the forehead now. i finally understand kissing the forehead of a dead person.

you know when you shuffle cards and then push them back in line? i'm trying to push myself back in line. i maybe need to come to terms with realizing that this may not happen for some time. its a force it vs. go with the flow situation and i feel(hear) the ticking of the clock (i'm lying here the room's pitch dark).

i'm going now. you should all know that i am okay. that if i need your help i will ask for your help. i do miss myself. i miss my real self and i feel lost. i feel lost but i haven't lost faith that i will be found.

from who you are into what you're gonna be

listen, i am sorry but this is really all i could come up with unless you want a multi-paragraphed rant about why god keeps dealing me bad hands.

believe there is someone who loves you - no matter what

now that i am reunited with my music (all fourteen some-odd thousand songs) i am rediscovering songs i just love love love from the ground to the sky. what follows is one such song. i hope you can absorb a piece of this love, a piece of these tangible good vibes. i'm sending them out to all my friends, near and far, and saying 'sheesh, i can't wait for the great and greater things that are going to happen to us!' and with valentine's day rapidly approaching, i want to make sure i tell all of you, my friends, how much i love and appreciate you. bless your warm warm hearts.




xo!


(got back 7 rolls of film from the summer today and they are making my warm heart even warmer! i can't wait to show you how much sand we layed in and how much sunshine was soaked.)

and leave behind the trail imploring us all not to fail

hello all. and happy new year. happy new year one month late. sometimes you just don't have the energy for these things!

truth, i don't really even have the energy now, but its february, and i'm skipping my psych class because i had a anxiety attack last night and didn't sleep at all and then i couldn't dress myself and now i am sitting here in an oversized sweater thinking about disco music and feeling quite loserly. let's try some songs. let's just try a few songs, shall we?
















that last one is really for the song, but fred astaire dancing doesn't hurt either.


anyways, those are those. i'm working on my valentine's party which is in like 8 days. mostly music stuff though i need to start focusing on food and decorations really soon. plus my outfit. i already know what is happening with my hair and WATCH OUT. its going to be so good.

i maybe have more to say now but i am just going to post this and hope i find the motivation to post again soon. with pictures! with power! with potential!

xx,
bb