i'll ride with the tide and go with the flow

well hello!
i wanted to keep you updated on my recent activities, some of which include:

baking a cake! someone please eat it so i don't have to.

finishing a puzzle in 2 days!! (this puzzle is still haunting my mind! i dream in slow motion pictures of hands putting pony pieces together. slowly slowly, scanning the box with my fingers, plucking green pieces with the right amount of grass, gingerly snapping the perfect piece into its perfect position. oh! you have no idea the thrills of puzzling! i might just have a puzzle party!)


buying some vintage floral wallpaper so i can one day live out my dreams of a completely wicker bedroom! (this is a picture of nipper the dog, he is near where i got the wallpaper)


attending a concert in woodstock with my dad


downloading tons of country music and singing almost all the time
(no picture for this - but i have been making videos of myself singing and they are hidden. probably one day they will surface and you will curse my existence)

its fall!!



its a bit hectic for the next week or so and i am trying to figure out how to deal with this much on my plate. mind you, its not that much at all, but for the past two months i've had a to do list that looks like this:

-wake up
-try to leave the house at least once


so! good luck to me! i've already failed at ebay this week, and i'm sure thats not the only thing that won't get done.

well! that was pretty productive. does anyone know how to two step? i need lessons! also has anyone seen the movie 'with six you get eggroll'? mostly doris day had my perfect bedroom in this movie and if you could see it you would just throw up all over my face. i promise you this.

adios amigos!

four three two and one

people look among you, thats where your hope must lie

i should win some sort of prize for feeling like a giant hole filled with the space between oxygen molecules but still looking so fat.

wallowwwwwwwwwwwwwww. i can truthfully do whatever i want. if i want to lay on the hard floor and cry in this empty house i can do it. i will do it. never in my entire life, i can assure you, have i ever felt so alone. never have i realized no one really cares. saying you care is not caring. maybe if there is care there is no understanding, and vice versa. the world is full of flakes and i am probably one of them. and money goddamn you money because i want to get into my car and drive away, i want to do it right now. i want to drive to the edge and sleep on it. i hate the rain and i want to lay down in the rain.

i just don't know what to do.

make just one someone happy

so i've been thinking for a while about compiling some lists about top things or bottom things or what-have-you. just lists. maybe this will keep me from watching reruns of home improvement at 1am when i should be sleeping. but probably i will just do this at the same time.

i emailed one of the local radio stations about working there/volunteering and potentially getting a spot. we'll see. that would be a fun activity for me! i am basically wallowing in a pit of shame - day after day - i have taken to talking to myself, but most especially to animals, plants and inanimate objects, quite loudly and quite frequently. mostly i talk to my plants, but i also talk to the wild turkeys, my dead shrimps, small birds, chipmunks, the moon, trees - mostly everything other than people! i text at night and it appears to be the only way people feel comfortable communicating with me. well, EXCEPT for my mom who calls incessantly! i counted yesterday and she called SEVEN times. SEVEN TIMES. every time it feel like ripping off another layer of my dignity.

and now to finish, a list!

potential names for my potential radio show:

hayloft frolic
cellar full of noise
jamboree
hullabaloo
flattop cats and dungaree dolls
happy cuties


damn, that's all i have.

and they greeted each other with friendship

okay hello again! the cards are not stacked in my favor at this moment. i'll muddle through. believe you me. thanks to everyone who showed support in some way. i appreciate it very much.

this week. this week. what day is it? i truthfully have no idea, it feels like monday. if you were on a permanent vacation, wouldn't you want it to feel like saturday? exactly.
i tested the waters last night in downtown albany. sharks! it wasn't nice. i really played such a nice face last night. you wouldn't believe how much like pie i was! i don't really drink anymore, so i guess the alcohol is more effective now. i certainly didnt FEEL drunk. anyways, things get hazy. teeny pieces missing. but somehow i end up on the phone with meg's friend who was calling me a snotty cunt and all this other shit. what the hell! so today i hide in the house and do secret exercising so no more people in stupid albany call me fat! ha. meg is a saint and stood by me 100% which is so reassuring! knowing someone really has your back is so good! not everyone has to be like that, but everyone needs a few friends like that.

i need to stop wearing tie-dye shirts with bonjour jeans. i need to never go to the road like this. once you cross lines like that - its hard to uncross them.

all my albany hopes are not dashed! fear not! i'll have another go at it, what do they call it? the old college try? i think so. one of those! and i think i will figure it out eventually. its not my fault i dont wear capri carpenter pants! don't judge me! i am not judging you! for once in my fucking life, right? i just listened to the alf theme song. do you even know what that sounds like?

plans for the week (which is just a week that starts today - i make my own weeks over here):

-rollerskating at the world's largest indoor skating arena
-wednesday thrifting (wednesday is FAMIY DAY)
-ebay pictures!
-EBAY! (i only have 2 items up right now! what a jerk!)
-working! making money! even if it is only for my mom. she needs the help and i offered!
-many other things, i swear!

chomp chomp chomp

wash away my troubles, wash away my pain

its 5 am and i am restless. currently in stephanie's bed in fort greene and i dont know what it is about this bed that i just cannot sleep. i think it might just be me. the alarm is set for 9:45 and i hope i can manage. my allergies are insanely terrible and i have a terribly troubled mind to boot.

back in new york for the first time in over five months. on the train down i assured myself that this would be very routine and that it was not a big deal what-so-ever. i did a pretty good job of keeping that mindset until friday. i don't know what it was about friday. but suddenly everything i ever felt i knew about myself just fell right off. to be a person who felt so without an identity, i never knew it was possible. in the car i felt so good, so in touch with myself and everything and was able to put the two things together. but now, here, i feel so alone and alien. i feel like a stranger in my own land, and an imposter among my friends. i basically want/wanted to cry the entire time and did so frequently. a few times i thought of leaving for penn station and getting the next train up the hudson. how did i become this person? christ it is so noisy in this house.

a new york life is everything you might think it would be. it is noisy, chaotic, bustling, bursting, distracting, draining, thrilling, exhausting, emotional, selfish, foolish, expensive, phony, and mostly fluffy. this place winds you - not to the point of breaking - but nearly there. when i first left i was literally IN PAIN for almost two weeks. it was like retraining my mind to think in an entirely different way. this was not the hard part - but i didn't know that then. the hard part, my friends, is training your mind back to new york, if you even want to. how trite! i never knew! when you are here and here and here for so long it just absorbs you. i never knew i fell out. but i fell out! now it just seems small and stupid and HUGE and IMPOSSIBLE and do i want to do this to myself again??

the money is one thing. one thing i cannot even believe is true. where would i live? these are the practical questions, you see. impractical/emotional: i feel like i have to avoid people and places. fuck you naomi. FUCK YOU. (i'm leaving that for now), i feel like i cannot even tell my very own friends about my own problems/fears/cryingcrying because i believe they will tell someone something i do not want that someone to know about me. i was never this person before! who am i becoming? stephanie said i was turning into a suburbanite. ouch stephanie. mostly i said that think about olivia's bra because she always complains about being big and i didn't think she would want to show her undergarments! not because i am some weird suburban person who doesnt understand making a stupid fashion statement! whatever. the real point/problem is: WHAT DO I WANT? sorry if everyone is just too wrapped up in their own lives to care or whatever. and thanks to corinne and rafael and felicia for being actually nice people. and also to kaitlin for just being there when it is appropriate and being able to watch me cry. you are mainly a saint and i will probably lose you too.

sometimes it is good that mostly no one reads your blog, and sometimes it is nice to think that maybe -just maybe-they might read it this time.

to know what life is like on the outside taints the perfect image of this beautiful youth utopia that once existed. and the thought of paying $1600 to live in fucking ridgewood for christs sake is unbelievable. i could build my own hanafoods for that price and maybe even stock it with cute boys! who am i kidding. isolation = slow death. hand me an alternative on a silver platter! i demand it!