the sun ain't nearly on the rise, and we've still got the moon and stars above

i couldn't fall asleep last night after i read the ultimate sleeping pill book (great expectations), which, as it turns out, isn't really a sleeping pill after all! i wonder if pip will end up with estella. please don't tell me!

so, as i lay awake in bed, i started composing short snippits for blogs or journals or what-have-you in my head, and of course, in true form, i forgot them all. i'm sure they all had to do with life. actually!

i remember that i wanted to talk about how the world is actually turning. this is some kind of incredible feat. really. think about this. think about the earth being a huge ball and all of us dudes live on it and its actually turning around and around. think about patsy cline saying 'oh, stop the world and let me off' think about 'as the world turns' this is a reality in our lives!

i was also thinking about how life is really just a series of funny coincidences. "floating all accidental like on a breeze" how it is just like jumping from star to star and creating your very own constellation. isn't that nice? choose your own adventure!

well lookadat, i guess i did remember! definitely not as eloquent when composed in my head, but it'll do.

i'm headed to bed to stretch and read the not-so-sleeping-pill-afterall book. tomorrow i am making pickles! i can hardly wait! i don't know how many times i can think and actually say outloud 'life ain't nothing but a funny funny riddle' i think i may be going for the record!

birthday horoscope

from the ny post:

Make it a point of principle to change three small things on your birthday - and watch how those small things grow into big things over the coming 12 months. Change is good. Change is necessary. If you can, change something each and every day of your life.



i will do it! i am keeping the three things a secret. too bad for you dudes.

don't wish it away, don't look at it like its forever

alright alright, its time for me to write in here.
i will admit that twitter has sucked all my attention in the strangest way, but sometimes i don't have the energy for paragraphs. i apologize!

i went to france and ate all their sandwiches and then i came back to america.
tomorrow is my twenty-sixth birthday.

i feel weak and defeated, but don't worry, one of these days i will rise up singing.

take a jumbo cross the water

a very quick email i just composed to my little mousey friend in paris. reunited for noodle-dancing in just eight short days!

okay quick before i forget

okay do you have a way to play music in your house? do you have laptop speakers or something? i am on planning dancing a lot.
did you look in the grocery store for brownie mix? can you? i think 2 things: its weird to bring it in my luggage, and if there is a french equivalent we should use it to be more authentic to the experience.
do you want any more treasures other than peanut butter? i totally forgot to get it when i went shopping so i gotta go back.
do you think my house could be haunted? being that its new? maybe its haunted by bats?
do you have the american/euro plug converter thing? going to be necessary. i have one somewhere....
do you like belle and sebastian?
where have you been? benji said he hadn't heard from you in a while. you busy with school?
oh! i'm going to bring an american foodstravaganza for benji! definitely bringing hostess cupcakes. what else?? oatmeal pies?! yummmm.
i ate taco bell yesterday at the mall.


love you!

proud and defiant, we'll slay the giant

oh, or this:




who needs zoloft when you have newsies??

i'll love you with all the maddness in my soul

well whoops! i sort of forgot about this digging through my old journals thing. but i have come up with a few valentines day posts from throughout the years to appease you! "you"


none of these have much to do with valentine's day but they remind me that i am continuously failing at this time of year. deep breath.

feb 14, 2003 - from lj

note to self:

four hours of sleep is not enough. if you get four hours of sleep, you will fell like shit. you might even start to tingle.
also, you are lazy. whats your problem? taking a shower really doesnt involve that much energy. make sure you take one when you get home from class.
also, make sure you clean your room for the company that is coming late tonite.
also, maybe you can try taking a nap when you come home from school as well. maybe it will make you feel better.
also, never forget your cell phone charger anywhere again. if you do, when you finally get it back you will talk on the phone all nite (to make up for the time you lost??) and only get four hours of sleep.
ugh.


p.s. do your work. you aren't a bum!

and something a bit more chipper:

feb 14, 2007 - paper journal

v-day. interesting? not much to say, just wanted to prove i still exist. (i do)

all i ever wanted to do was sing.

may you forever be filled with love love love

i'm numb again (literally figuratively and any other way its possible) and sick and taking medicine (!) and feeling defeated in about 1,000 ways. i have a week off but not really off at all because there is a cat to feed meds to and mail to take in and cars to start and tracks to record and shows to attend and outfits to pick and bags to pack and xrays to get and baking to do. i am beginning to wonder how this isolation is going to rear its head in my future. i hope with a smile? i doubt that i even make sense at this point. it appears i see things with a heightened clarity but still can't make up my mind. i think if you take the general idea of this it pretty much sums up me right now. i'm still remembering and remembering and remembering. spend a lot of time with my brain just dancing. i imagine my eyes like rubber balls bouncing around inside my face, finding tiny traces of my life in the hollows of my ears and nose and such. the toys on the carpet at the doctor's office. the charts all lined up behind the counter with the sliding windows. i feel fortunate to be able to find these things. i want to believe, i do believe, that this means something. i have to keep hope that even though everyone is sick and dying and planes are falling out of the sky and i owe money to everyone and people even want me to be sad (!?) that i will be okay that i will come out on the other side of this mental tunnel with all my fucking cylinders blazing. it will probably look something like this:




see ya

golden and fair in the sky

can't wait for paris when i debut my new karaoke gem!

you're looking at country


benji told me that there is a chinese restaurant with karaoke on the weekends and no one goes and when you finish singing all the chinese people come to the stage and clap. sounds just about perfect.
kaitlin has also been working on a list of all the foods she wants to eat with me. think about this. this is a good friend. i will be cataloging some recent outfits so she can tell me which ones are the most "french" i need help because me and the frenchies do not really agree on life. i love paris and everything, duh, but i'm pretty sure i am almost opposite of a proper parisian woman. good thing i'm a red blooded yank!

i was just talking to my friend emily about my trip and she said something to the effect of "you'll never want to come home!" and i said "oh yes i will, i love america, europe is beautiful, but america has the most heart" i'm pretty sure that's true. let's look at god's country, shall we?








ttfn!