a lamentation

last night i wrapped my arms around myself and cried silently for the loss of a father. as tears that almost felt like fire collected around my head i attempted to compose regrets small enough to fit on the card that will accompany the flowers. oh eternal friend, i'm just so sorry.

the ground is visible for the first time in what seems/feels like/and must be months and all i want to do is take a bath made of snow.

do me a favor, open the door and let 'em in

don't cross the river if you can't swim the tide

i guess i do have something to say??

i'm going to paaaaaaaaaaaaarissssssss. wee!
i always manage to take vacations at this time of year, which says something about my internal clock (i don't know what, exactly, but it sure says SOMETHING). i only have to work for about seven more days and then i get 3 weeks off! still not sure how i am going to make my money last for that long (why did i buy those fur boots?!) especially with an 8 day trip to paris stuck right at the end of 3 weeks of unemployment, but it is going to have to work because the ticket is purchased and i already have benji looking for a french fling. i told him to think "french lumberjack" which is potentially an oxymoron. all will be revealed in time....

it already feels like a wednesday, at least, but its only monday! how bleak! at least i have sweet sweet hollywood week on idol (starting tomorrow) to look forward to. i suppose now i also have paaaaaaaris to look forward to! what else, what else? what should i do for my twenty-sixth birthday? friday the 13th! i want to wear a veil over my eyes and take peyote or something. does that even sound fun?

i wish i could explain to you the mind-altering experience i had on saturday night/sunday morning, but it doesn't translate well to cyber-paper. but, i can say that all my talk of remembering things, surfaces, names, what-have-you, has really unlocked some memory vault in my brain, i can remember the texture of pillows i slept on at sleepovers at my neighbors house! top that! without the aid of pictures or letters or anything at all! its all pretty incredible and i am still trying to digest the whole idea and experience.

how about a few pictures. maybe these ones will be about textures. textures i may very well remember in some firework-esque explosion in another five,ten,fifteen,twenty years.











farewell!

wipe your prints and run

more of this until i have the mind to tell you any news worthy news

feb 2, 2008 - from my livejournal


hello! wow what is happening at 2:30 am right now?
i decided not to go out tonight because i had a little too much fun the night before.
thursday night me and stephanie went to karaoke at this creepz place that is free and has wireless mics so you just sit at your table and they bring you the mic and you sit there with your margarita and sing the doobie brothers. HA. we really did sing the doobie brothers. after we were done denise says "never do that one again" 7 margaritas later i find myself having to stop at union pool on the way home to pee. and then of course brook was working and we were chatting about god knows what for probably 30 minutes and i was hiccuping the ENTIRE time. oopz. but the biggest oopz is when i awoke, at 10:15 and thought it was SATURDAYYYYYY. try again you fucking loser you were supposed to be at work 45 minutes ago. christ almighty. so then i put on phil collins and had a grand old time for a good hour and a half before the whimsy struck me to go into work. oh well.

so, in lieu of another night of margs and 1am drunk dials to every boy from a-m in my phonebook, tonight i stayed home with my friend cat (person, not animal) and did measurements for ebay. SO TIME CONSUMING. it really worries me, but i keep pretending (am i pretending?) that i can just make this happen and not actually pay someone $1 to wear a sparkling leopard print sweater. because really i did this by accident. no one ever said that business was easy. anyways, measuring is exhausting and i am so tired. i didn't even get to the shoes or bags. vintage suede platform snow boots fur lace up lumberjack 70s boho. (whats sick is i know that description is too long to fit on ebay)

on top of all the rest, i somehow became addicted to phil collins' face value album. how does this happen to any self respecting human being? the truth is, i know this album has things going for it, logistically, or whatever. but, the point remains, this is the same man that did the tarzan soundtrack and that god awful two hearts video. so, jury's still out on that one, and until they return, i will keep that record playing.

thank you and goodnight.

1)three days ago i downloaded face value on my laptop. coincidence? maybe february is phil collins month and i didn't even realize? either way, this album still rules.
2)i am such an ebay slack right now. the winter is a hard time to play ebay. i am going to come back with a vengeance. but i'm not sure i ever really improved from when i wrote this post 1 year ago.
3)i totally got banned from that karaoke spot. i had my birthday there and it turned into a disaster that involved me pushing everything on every table onto the floor. oops! i'm still pretty sad i can never go back there. at least i don't live in the neighborhood anymore.
4)its the same and its entirely different.

we are words, nothing holds

oh god, poetry!

from a paper journal- january 31, 2000


if i called you in 10 years could we continue where we left off?
would we laugh like the old friends we are? can i ever forget you? if someone leaves marks in your heart can they ever be erased? am i wasting my time? did i ever have any to waste? can i ever be too close to you? will the world ever envelop me in its earth? am i easily awakened? will you stir my heart? leave marks that will never leave me?

1) oh god, poetry!
2) i suppose this poem was written mostly about my then-best-friend, sammi; and, though we still talk from time to time, i cannot imagine calling her and laughing "like the old friends we are." i'm sure i will never forget her - we were friends for probably ten years, but we definitely have very little in common currently, and its almost hard to make conversation with her at this point.
3) yes, you can be TOO CLOSE to someone. this is proven to me again and again and again. one day it will stick.

whip this wind into a flame

i have kept a journal in some capacity: online, notebook, scraps of paper, since 1996. sometimes my nostalgia overcomes me, and i will read for hours on end. i've now decided to share this nostalgia with you - i will try to post only things with entertainment value - and only from the actual day that i am writing the post. worth a go, no?

january 30, 2004 - from my live journal


well well my pumpkins, here were are again, and look what i have!

oh thats right, PICTURES!!! now you can all start reading my journal again. i have purchased a membership to fotki. so for at least a year my journal will be filled with my travles and escapades. how exciting. anyways i have quite a lovely story for you before i start the stories of my travels.

a few weeks ago me and my roommate denise decided it would be lovely if we went out together. we went to one party that totally blew but it was kind of okay because we were quite drunk. we decided to walk to royal oak so we did and on the way i decided i wanted to lay in the snow. i guess somehow denise took my camera and took a picture of me, but i really dont remember her doing so.

yes so...i pratically look dead.


and here...well....some have said i look "angelic" and some have said i look "absolutely awful"
i think i look like a drunk twelve year old. i was really so so drunk. i can not explain.

anyways denise got a call from her friend who told her that right around the corner from our house there was a lovely piece of graffitti that said "denise=slut" denise was very mad to say the least. we eventually decided that despite all the coke in the world in the bathroom of royal oak couldn't hold us from finding that graffitti and taking it out. so we left. apparently i fell like 20 some-odd times on my way back home (which is really like a 5 minute walk) and then we came into my house and found a can of white house paint. we walked around the corner and started searching for the graf. denise eventually found something that she thought looked like it. she asked me if that was it. now let me tell you, i couldn't really see, so i made out what vaguely looked like an equal sign and i said "yes that is it" denise proceeded to paint sloppily all over the grate. while i documented it. when i got the film back we discovered that, yes, it did in fact say "denise=slut"




so there you go. after that we came home and somehow i had paint all over myself. we cleaned me up and then i threw up all night. awesome. super.
really guys, i swear i am never a sloppy drunk. i swear...

a few wee afterthoughts:

why does only one picture work? its no matter, look at my room! and i LOVED that room too. oh man, its BORING! just like my top! that gumby dude on my bed was/is a friends boyfriend. they may or may not be married now.

the "friend" that denise got a call from was olivia. this was clearly written before i knew who she was.

its really true that neither of us could actually see. glad that doesn't happen anymore! (or does it?)

in anticipation/this is not a pipe dream

i might some day walk across this land
carrying the lord's book in my hand
goin' round the country singing loud as i can
one of these days