i've been telling lines i never knew

i've been doing a lot of thinking about new york lately. the reasons i left, the reasons i may return, the reasons to go somewhere else entirely and begin to build a small(BIG) life from the bottom up. i'm sure uncertainty is normal, especially at this age, but, to be honest, i can't really imagine every figuring it out without a push or some hurried rash decision making.

when i left, i had a very clear head and very strong reasoning. now....well now i just don't know what i have or want at all. the idea of life as a traveling vagabond sounds very appealing to me. staying places long enough to soak up everything good, and leaving before the bad has time to settle in my bones. i never want it to feel like work, and i never want it to lose its shiny appeal. good luck peach!

returning to new york is daunting for so many reasons. when you stand up and make a stand for or against something, you are certainly marked by this decision, whether it is actually visible or not. this is just one reason. but on the other hand, new york is hard, and not very many people actually "get" it. i'm fairly certain that i am good at new york; that i fully comprehend the way things work and fit snug in my space inside the electric machine of constant motion.

i'm sure life isn't such a big deal, and this will probably be revealed in pieces throughout the coming years. but for now, i am twenty-five, and these things seem heavy and important. i stood on my box and left my home, with defiance! with purpose! with clarity! i rolled on lightning wheels, i was ageless and infinite. now i am silent and still in this place white and full of branches. i just breathe in and out and hope the whole thing isn't in vain. please lord, let it not be in vain.

old habits die hard

its all just circumstance

why i love rob brezsny:

week of december 31st, pisces:

what would it take for you to collaborate with the forces of change? not in a resigned, resentful way. not with some sense of defeat, wishing things could stay the same forever. rather, what would you have to do in order to feel eager about adjusting to the ongoing shifts? is there any way you might even learn to experience exhilaration and gratitude in the face of the eternal flux? your assignment in 2009, pisces, is to become an expert surfer of the beautiful, playful, blessed waves.

switch on your electric light

okay, this is important stuff:

1) ugly betty is back! i want to say that i know it is not cool to like this show. but you know what? i'm a tv purist. i respect tv in its true form. none of this fucking tivo, none of this watch tv on your fucking computer! bullshit, just tv. tv and the fucking clicker. now listen, ugly betty is a near perfect sitcom, that may have had a terrible second season, but now its back! its so good! try it!

2) i'm breaking in with the middle aged swimmers! i am so pleased! i went late today so i didnt have to enter the pool with them, plus they swim for so much longer than i can. anyways, then we were all leaving together and one of them gave me a compliment on my swimming cap! i'm in! then we all mutually questioned the motives of this older man who was treading water while hanging onto a lane divider the entire class.

3) i have the best night planned for myself. after two days this week of chlorine steeping, i am going to open my own personal beauty closet (i have this) and unearth the tiny treasures you only use at times like this. oh, i can see it in my mind now! BATH OILS! DEEP CONDITIONERS! FACE MASKS! TONICS! SERUMS! THE THICKEST OF BODY LOTIONS! (is this making anyone else tingle with excitement??)




okay, gg, bye.


p.s. oh! and when i take my shower i am going to listen to the warmest of music by the male singers on my "comfortable voice" list:
paul mccartney, evan dando, james taylor, sam cooke, van morrison, jim croce, otis redding, harry nilsson, gram parsons, john sebastian.

i get excitement in my bones, even though everything's a strain

look around see what you do, everybody smiles at you

how about a bit of blue sky to remind us of what is sure to come along soon enough?







as for the past five days: fairly impetuous, moderately loaded, adequately toothsome, and thoroughly enjoyable. now its back to the woods with me, back to reality.

when all the parts of the puzzle start to look like they fit

happy new year!

i am so pleased to write this blog on the very first day of this year.
may 2009 bring all the things you wish for with every eyelash and extinguished candle.


pictures and follies to follow.

xoxo!