we are words, nothing holds

oh god, poetry!

from a paper journal- january 31, 2000


if i called you in 10 years could we continue where we left off?
would we laugh like the old friends we are? can i ever forget you? if someone leaves marks in your heart can they ever be erased? am i wasting my time? did i ever have any to waste? can i ever be too close to you? will the world ever envelop me in its earth? am i easily awakened? will you stir my heart? leave marks that will never leave me?

1) oh god, poetry!
2) i suppose this poem was written mostly about my then-best-friend, sammi; and, though we still talk from time to time, i cannot imagine calling her and laughing "like the old friends we are." i'm sure i will never forget her - we were friends for probably ten years, but we definitely have very little in common currently, and its almost hard to make conversation with her at this point.
3) yes, you can be TOO CLOSE to someone. this is proven to me again and again and again. one day it will stick.

whip this wind into a flame

i have kept a journal in some capacity: online, notebook, scraps of paper, since 1996. sometimes my nostalgia overcomes me, and i will read for hours on end. i've now decided to share this nostalgia with you - i will try to post only things with entertainment value - and only from the actual day that i am writing the post. worth a go, no?

january 30, 2004 - from my live journal


well well my pumpkins, here were are again, and look what i have!

oh thats right, PICTURES!!! now you can all start reading my journal again. i have purchased a membership to fotki. so for at least a year my journal will be filled with my travles and escapades. how exciting. anyways i have quite a lovely story for you before i start the stories of my travels.

a few weeks ago me and my roommate denise decided it would be lovely if we went out together. we went to one party that totally blew but it was kind of okay because we were quite drunk. we decided to walk to royal oak so we did and on the way i decided i wanted to lay in the snow. i guess somehow denise took my camera and took a picture of me, but i really dont remember her doing so.

yes so...i pratically look dead.


and here...well....some have said i look "angelic" and some have said i look "absolutely awful"
i think i look like a drunk twelve year old. i was really so so drunk. i can not explain.

anyways denise got a call from her friend who told her that right around the corner from our house there was a lovely piece of graffitti that said "denise=slut" denise was very mad to say the least. we eventually decided that despite all the coke in the world in the bathroom of royal oak couldn't hold us from finding that graffitti and taking it out. so we left. apparently i fell like 20 some-odd times on my way back home (which is really like a 5 minute walk) and then we came into my house and found a can of white house paint. we walked around the corner and started searching for the graf. denise eventually found something that she thought looked like it. she asked me if that was it. now let me tell you, i couldn't really see, so i made out what vaguely looked like an equal sign and i said "yes that is it" denise proceeded to paint sloppily all over the grate. while i documented it. when i got the film back we discovered that, yes, it did in fact say "denise=slut"




so there you go. after that we came home and somehow i had paint all over myself. we cleaned me up and then i threw up all night. awesome. super.
really guys, i swear i am never a sloppy drunk. i swear...

a few wee afterthoughts:

why does only one picture work? its no matter, look at my room! and i LOVED that room too. oh man, its BORING! just like my top! that gumby dude on my bed was/is a friends boyfriend. they may or may not be married now.

the "friend" that denise got a call from was olivia. this was clearly written before i knew who she was.

its really true that neither of us could actually see. glad that doesn't happen anymore! (or does it?)

in anticipation/this is not a pipe dream

i might some day walk across this land
carrying the lord's book in my hand
goin' round the country singing loud as i can
one of these days

making your way in the world today takes everything you've got

i've stood on your shadow and watched it grow

we had a time, we had a time, we had a time, oh what a time

so i've been bumming around on the internet for an hour or so, and i can't seem to find anything else to entertain myself, so now i've resorted to this. i hope it isn't too painful for my two followers.

i composed a few blog posts in my head, mostly about reflections on the past, and i am going to try to get them out now.

i live in my hometown once again, and although this isn't my final resting place, i must say that being back here has made me realize what a good place this was to grow up. as i drive around my town i recite all the names of the children i knew that lived in the houses. i wonder if their parents still live in them. i really REALLY surprise myself most of the time with remembering younger or older siblings. saying the names is some sort of cathartic experience. johanna and elizabeth, anistasia, christiana and dean, michael, amanda, suzanna and martha, diana and david, chris, carly and matt, kelli and shawn. sharing a childhood with someone is like sharing all your secrets. its funny how much you can know about people you probably won't ever see again.

the other thing i've been doing a lot is remembering all the surfaces in my dad's old house. i only lived there for about two years but if i really try i can remember all the wall papers, floors, counter tops, and carpets. the memory of one surface seems to pull another from kind of vault that lives in the exact center of my brain. the upstairs bathroom was connected to my room (pink) and also to the hallway (some kind of white/blue paisley-ish wallpaper), it was yellow tiled and had this sparkling yellow pink blue and white butterfly wallpaper that i'm sure was also in the brady bunch house. the mirror was giant and had one of those sliding medicine cabinet shelves underneath it. the sink was yellow and the countertop was white formica with some gold marble texture. the toilet was yellow. there was one window. it had some kind of whispy white drapes. there was a hamper and a scale. the towel bars were built in.

remembering things isn't that hard, it just takes the right circumstances. being here has pulled things out of my brain that i never even knew were stored to begin with. there is something both restoring and encouraging in knowing memories exist. each a small warm and soothing reminder of the power of life itself.

i've been telling lines i never knew

i've been doing a lot of thinking about new york lately. the reasons i left, the reasons i may return, the reasons to go somewhere else entirely and begin to build a small(BIG) life from the bottom up. i'm sure uncertainty is normal, especially at this age, but, to be honest, i can't really imagine every figuring it out without a push or some hurried rash decision making.

when i left, i had a very clear head and very strong reasoning. now....well now i just don't know what i have or want at all. the idea of life as a traveling vagabond sounds very appealing to me. staying places long enough to soak up everything good, and leaving before the bad has time to settle in my bones. i never want it to feel like work, and i never want it to lose its shiny appeal. good luck peach!

returning to new york is daunting for so many reasons. when you stand up and make a stand for or against something, you are certainly marked by this decision, whether it is actually visible or not. this is just one reason. but on the other hand, new york is hard, and not very many people actually "get" it. i'm fairly certain that i am good at new york; that i fully comprehend the way things work and fit snug in my space inside the electric machine of constant motion.

i'm sure life isn't such a big deal, and this will probably be revealed in pieces throughout the coming years. but for now, i am twenty-five, and these things seem heavy and important. i stood on my box and left my home, with defiance! with purpose! with clarity! i rolled on lightning wheels, i was ageless and infinite. now i am silent and still in this place white and full of branches. i just breathe in and out and hope the whole thing isn't in vain. please lord, let it not be in vain.

old habits die hard

its all just circumstance

why i love rob brezsny:

week of december 31st, pisces:

what would it take for you to collaborate with the forces of change? not in a resigned, resentful way. not with some sense of defeat, wishing things could stay the same forever. rather, what would you have to do in order to feel eager about adjusting to the ongoing shifts? is there any way you might even learn to experience exhilaration and gratitude in the face of the eternal flux? your assignment in 2009, pisces, is to become an expert surfer of the beautiful, playful, blessed waves.

switch on your electric light

okay, this is important stuff:

1) ugly betty is back! i want to say that i know it is not cool to like this show. but you know what? i'm a tv purist. i respect tv in its true form. none of this fucking tivo, none of this watch tv on your fucking computer! bullshit, just tv. tv and the fucking clicker. now listen, ugly betty is a near perfect sitcom, that may have had a terrible second season, but now its back! its so good! try it!

2) i'm breaking in with the middle aged swimmers! i am so pleased! i went late today so i didnt have to enter the pool with them, plus they swim for so much longer than i can. anyways, then we were all leaving together and one of them gave me a compliment on my swimming cap! i'm in! then we all mutually questioned the motives of this older man who was treading water while hanging onto a lane divider the entire class.

3) i have the best night planned for myself. after two days this week of chlorine steeping, i am going to open my own personal beauty closet (i have this) and unearth the tiny treasures you only use at times like this. oh, i can see it in my mind now! BATH OILS! DEEP CONDITIONERS! FACE MASKS! TONICS! SERUMS! THE THICKEST OF BODY LOTIONS! (is this making anyone else tingle with excitement??)




okay, gg, bye.


p.s. oh! and when i take my shower i am going to listen to the warmest of music by the male singers on my "comfortable voice" list:
paul mccartney, evan dando, james taylor, sam cooke, van morrison, jim croce, otis redding, harry nilsson, gram parsons, john sebastian.

i get excitement in my bones, even though everything's a strain

look around see what you do, everybody smiles at you

how about a bit of blue sky to remind us of what is sure to come along soon enough?







as for the past five days: fairly impetuous, moderately loaded, adequately toothsome, and thoroughly enjoyable. now its back to the woods with me, back to reality.

when all the parts of the puzzle start to look like they fit

happy new year!

i am so pleased to write this blog on the very first day of this year.
may 2009 bring all the things you wish for with every eyelash and extinguished candle.


pictures and follies to follow.

xoxo!